if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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