DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
