No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You have to summon your inner elephant
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
