Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
