If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
a search helicopter?!
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
