He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
