theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
