and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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