i barfeds in our rink
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
