3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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