I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
