when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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