He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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