I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
