your parents love me but you hate me
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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