True but thats because hes a fetus.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
