I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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