my phone needs a breathalizer
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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