he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
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