sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
