chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
