Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
