1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
