Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
one might say we're banned from that church
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
