If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
