she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
