What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
