His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
