it wasn't lemon gatorade
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
