just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
