You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
