I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
