mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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