Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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