You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
