he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
