fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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