i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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