So drunk, too bad you don't want this
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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