Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
