my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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