If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
