The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
