I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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