I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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