You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
