Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
