They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
