I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
where are my eyebrows?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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