Will you blow on my dice?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Randomize
