so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
