i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
